5 Reasons You Should Own a Boat

Whether you are a famous celebrity or not, you should buy a boat. Here are the secret reasons why life is better as a boat owner.

Whether you are a famous celebrity or not, you should buy a boat. Here are the secret reasons why life is better as a boat owner.

1. Fuzzy Math

Contrary to popular belief, upon closer inspection boating is actually an excellent investment. The more time you spend on the water the more relaxed and tranquil you become, strengthening your mind and body. In fact, boating is one of the few known activities that has been proven to extend your natural life-span. For every 10 hour period spent on a boat, you gain life by approximately 1.3 minutes times the square root of the length of your boat, divided by beam. Thus, your ability to remain in the workforce is extended, eventually paying for your boat, mooring expenses, fuel costs, and maintenance. If you use your boat for fishing, add in the average number of casts you take per trip divided by the dollar amount you spend on bait, minus the number of times you hook yourself.

Here’s the actual Boating Additional Life Span (BALS) equation, for you mathematicians:

BALS = 1.3 x ({~LOA/Beam) + (C/worms) – ouch

2. Family Matters

Boating helps to draw a family closer together. Want to spend more time with your text-obsessed teenager? Do you, your spouse, and your kids need to learn to work together as a team? Are you looking for a way to reconnect with your sibling? Boating can do all of these things for you. If only because you will be trapped together in an area slightly larger than a bathtub.

3. Save the Environment

We all know that powerboats burn fossil fuels (and sailboaters talk so much about not burning fuel that their hot air contributes to global warming), but becoming a boat owner helps planet Earth in a multitude of ways. There are all kinds of nasty chemicals in fiberglass resin, like styrene, methyl ethyl ketone, and uranium. By curing this nasty stuff into a boat hull, it gets locked up into a solid form and can no longer do environmental harm. Of course, people wouldn’t just go out and make boat hulls if other people, like you and me, didn’t buy them. So spending money on a boat gives scientists and boatbuilders the initiative they need to gather those chemicals together and turn them into boats.

4. Fame

Once you buy a boat, you’ll be just like Johnny Depp, Billy Joel, and Alan Jackson—plus other famous boat owners, including Tiger Woods, Martha Stewart, Dennis Rodman, and George H.W. Bush. As fellow boat owners, their fame will trickle down to you, via a special kind of nautical osmosis. Seriously. We promise.

5. Enjoyment

Boating gives us a healthy sense of humor. (These five reasons are proof of that.) Because how can we not laugh at ourselves, after spending half of our yearly salaries on an item that produces no income, breaks half the time we use it, and sucks all of our spare time away into some black hole?

If you don’t own a boat just yet, you still might not get it. But trust us, one day you will. Because there’s not a dedicated boater out there who can imagine life stuck on dry land—we love it that much.

Which means there is, in fact, a certain logic to owning a boat.

By Lenny Rudow

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